I'm exhausted - the energy drain that happens when holding so much heavy grief-laden emotion is enormous. The chronic kidney failure emotional roller coaster is racing down the tracks.
I didn't post anything yesterday, partly because I was too exhausted and mainly because Marvin was doing so poorly, I was afraid to face that fact by writing about it. It still feels like just yesterday that we lost Willow and I'm not ready to lose another member of the family. But sometimes it doesn't matter how ready one is. We thought today's vet visit might be the end of the line the roller coaster. Yesterday, he looked vacant, miserable, in pain. He spent much of his time hunched in his bed, eyes open, starring off into the nothingness. Occasional he would hobble out to the water bowls and drink a small lake's worth of water. He started camping out at the water bowl with his head just above the water. He looked awful. And he had no interest in food.
He's been going in for fluids every day this week. They've given him some anti-nausea medicine as well. This morning he didn't seem much better, so the fear and dread hung over the day like a heavy blanket. I came home from work for lunch to check up on the guy. As I climbed the stairs to the apartment, I steeled myself for what I might see upon entering. To my delight he seemed a bit more perky. He was still going for the water but he was more present and more aware of my presence.
I hung out with him and saw his personality return.
He even stopped to sniff me as he walked by.
He spent time in the windows, soaking up the sun - a very normal Marvin behavior and something that's been absent all week.
Seeing him this way gave me a little hope, although I'll admit, I'm afraid of hope right now. One of the high peaks on the kidney failure roller coaster is called hope and it's always followed by an intense crash.
There was a moment when he was up on the sunny window perch, when he looked me in the eye and I heard him say, "please don't give up on me." Marvs, if there's an option to get you comfortable and feeling good again, we're doing it. I keep watching him closely, looking for that moment when he tells me it's time - but thankfully, that is not this day.
Marvin did well at the vet. He looked like his typical self. He's lost a lot of weight though from not eating and he doesn't have much extra weight to spare. He got more fluids and a bit of appetite stimulant, which sadly didn't have the desired effect.
He's pretty much slept since returning home from the vet, with the occasional trip to the water dish. On his last round, I gave him the chance for some ultra-yummy, not-on-the-kidney-diet-Friskies and he actually sniffed it. I set it by his bed and he sniffed it again and then looked away, then he returned to it, got close and sniffed it once more. He didn't eat anything, but it felt like progress in that direction. I'm going to try again tonight and get up a few times through out the night to give him more opportunity to eat - hopefully he does.
Still hoping for the rally - go Marvs!
4 am update...
Around midnight Marvin ate two bites of Friskies! Then again at 3:30 this morning he ate another couple of bites and then settled in up on Laura's lap (his favorite spot). Yah!