chaired

Serious Nahum fluffs!

---

I'm very aware that the one year anniversary of Willow's death is rapidly approaching. I've still not been able to write about her death or even update the blog to indicate that she's gone. I think about it often and even tried to write about it a few times. Something continues to keep me from accepting it, still feels like we just moved without her. I've come to realize that my spark for life died with her. Depression, sometimes overwhelming, has been the norm. A few months ago I cracked the lid on the un-felt grief and quickly experienced intense overwhelm. My pain-driven thoughts went to some scary places, so I did my best to close the lid once more.

This year has held many experiences. Willow's swift and unexpected death. Selling our home without another place to move to. Moving across country with six cats. (Trying to) settle into a new living space. Trying to love on my parents who act like they are allergic to love and connection. Starting a new private practice. All the while, my tender heart has felt mostly offline, closed. Joy and hope feel like distant concepts. Occasionally in my work, I would get moments of life and tenderness. The cats have usually been a great source of life, but now when I'm with them all I can think about is their impending deaths. Of course Marvin's recent death scare didn't help.

In early December I managed to re-engage in some dormant spiritual practices, but with my heart being closed, it didn't feel satisfying, and yet I knew it was helping. I started to think about maybe finding a spiritual retreat that might nourish my parched soul, and it would allow me to create intentional space to grieve and work through Willow's death. I found a place near Boston. I was thinking maybe a weekend or something, but then I noticed they had a 5-day directed, silent retreat that concluded on the 1-year anniversary of Willow's death. I prayed that a mysterious check would arrive to cover the cost and sure enough the next day, that very thing happened. Suddenly, this idea got very real and I was going. Yikes!

I leave tomorrow (Friday) to continue this grieving journey. I'm terrified to go into that dark cave of grief and yet I know I must - freedom awaits on the other side. I need to reclaim my will to live, which is what I know Willow would want for me. I'm terrified that if I go on this retreat I will discover that Willow did actually die and that I'll need to accept that and let go. The truth can be so painful. And yet, experience has told me that the truth also sets me free. 

The retreat starts Friday dinner time and ends Wednesday at lunch. Your prayers, thoughts, and purrs are all welcome. 

Brave heart, Tegan...

father's day

Happy Father's Day!

Father's day must be Oliver's day! He's the only father (that we are aware of) here. I'm always happy to have another reason to celebrate my Oliver!

Pierre still adores his papa. I've seen them cuddling quite a bit, however, anytime Pierre notices that he's being seen by a human he bolts. So, that means I don't have many good pictures of Pierre.

Pierre has taken to enjoying the hanging basket on the cat tree, 

which was one of Willow's favorite places.

I love seeing Pierre inside. He wanders around the apartment with his tail straight in the air talking to himself loudly, just like he used to do in the yard. 

As you've might have noticed, I've not posted much lately. Over the past few months, I've been battling a significant depression, which has zapped most of my energy. Before we moved I started taking an anti-anxiety/depression medication, because the anxiety related to the move was overwhelming. The med helped for that, but it's not been helping with the recent blahs. I believe it was blocking me from connecting with and thus expressing the emotions under the depression. I think has been part of why I've not been able to get a handle on grieving Willow's death. My heart is now coming more online and it's good to feel once again.

Meanwhile, the miniature size of this apartment along with the appearance of the community cats outside is really cranking up the tension in the Fourwhitepaws cattery. Theo has been very mean to Oliver, constantly swatting at him and picking at him. Oliver sees and hears the community cats and gets all fired up about them and has resumed his spraying. Easy going Nahum even decided to get in on the spraying one day. Seeing the delicate balance of the cattery unravel has been really tough. We've taken some more steps to try to help (which I'll write about soon - I promise!) What we really need is to move into a larger space, so the cats are not always in each other's space.

Oliver goes to the vet on Monday to see if he might be a candidate for medications to ease his angst about the outside free roaming cats.

One thing I'm grateful for today, is that I was actually able to have lunch with my father today. It's been quite a few years since that has happened. Living closer to family was a big reason we moved, so having opportunity to meet up like that felt affirming of our decision, even though many other aspects of life-post move have been very difficult.

I hope you all had a lovely Father's Day and are enjoying your summers.

moving with cats - part 6

Staying in hotels did the cats a world of good. Theo, Nahum, and Marvin really needed space to stretch their legs and do cat stuff and hotels gave them that luxury. It also gave opportunity for Marvin to bond with Theo and Nahum on neutral turf. We stayed at La Quinta hotels, which are mostly pay friendly. I believe they limit the number of pets to 2 per room, but none of the hotel people ever asked quantity. We were extra careful with cleaning up the litter and such so that there was little trace that cats were there. It worked out great, and I was worried about how cats and hotels would work!

We left Danbury, CT Friday morning in a mix of snow and rain. After some challenges with our minivan's defrost not working, we figured out a work-around and kept going. Thankfully, because we had pushed on the night before, we were right on the edge of the snow/rain border of the crazy big winter storm. So, it only took a few minutes to get out of the snow and we spent the day driving in rain. Avoiding the snow felt like a huge blessing.

Nahum and the rest of the cats were all konked out all day. The different sedative we gave Nahum really worked, he slept well.

At last - Vermont! Home!!

Our apartment is in New Hampshire, but we are considering it temporary, while we find the perfect house to buy in Vermont. Lebanon, NH is right across the river from White River Junction, Vermont.

The fourwhitepaws-minivan did a fantastic job transporting us and the kitties across the country. We had some problems with the heating system, the heat didn't work in the back and the defrost in the front died on us, but otherwise it was spacious enough to pack the cats, our stuff and a million cat-blankets and towels!

Vermont welcome center

After a brief stop in Brattleboro, Vermont to have lunch at one of our favorite places, the Brattleboro Food Coop, we eventually made it to Lebanon, New Hampshire, where our apartment is. When we arrived there was a small package from Amazon waiting for us in the mailbox. 

Our new landlord had sent us a housewarming gift of catnip mice for our cats! How awesome is that! One for each cat. It's awesome to have a cat-loving landlord. I was scared that we wouldn't find an apartment that would allow us to have our six cats and God delivered an apartment that happily welcomes cats! What a huge blessing.

After moving the stuff from the minivan into the apartment, we setup some space for cats and moved them in as well. Oliver and Pierre got a large wire crate setup for them to acclimate to the space. Rose also got a similar setup.

Marvin, Theo, and Nahum went to work immediately checking out the space. We tried to limit them to one bedroom, but in only a few minutes they were ready to map out the rest of the space. I think the fact that they had a different hotel or room to stay in each night over the past week helped them become more comfortable in new spaces. They adapted quickly and settled right in. I am pleased beyond measure that Marvin has integrated so easily into the general cat population, what a huge gift. It only took a few nights of working things out back in Denver and they are peacefully co-existing now.

Marvs scavenging for lost food nuggets

We are learning a new side of Marvin, with the run of all the space and being with the other cats, he's like a different Marvin! He's very rambunctious, and quite the little devil. He's all over the place, running, leaping, exploring, getting into all sorts of trouble. It's fun to see him being more like a cat than what he had opportunity for back at the house, where he was limited to only the upstairs rooms.

I am very pleased with how Oliver is doing. He's so chill about the new space. I thought he might be anxious to be in a new space that recently housed four cats, but he's not at all. He came out of his cage, explored the room and then parked in my lap for a snooze.

A few hours later, Oliver met Marvin for the first time.

Marvin wasn't so sure about Oliver but Oliver did fantastic. He allowed Marvin to sniff him and Oliver was very well behaved. Shortly after this picture was taken, Marvin wasn't so well behaved and tried to spray Oliver's litter box. Marvin! 

A few hours later and Oliver was checking out our new air mattress! Our belongings don't arrive until Tuesday, and after one night sleeping on the floor without cushion, we realized we are way too old for that! So, we bought an air mattress - which the cats are enjoying too! Meanwhile, Nahum has been extra sleepy, but sneezing less and appears to be getting better. He's not much for receiving his medications, he's been so healthy all these years, these are the first meds he's ever had to get.

Theo has been konked out today. All the stress of moving and travel is catching up to him. He enjoyed being out of the car and stationary where he could relax and sleep.  Oliver really took to the bed too. I love that he's super-chill.

I love, love, love that Marvin seems to have accepted Oliver at least for this moment. Maybe this is first step toward having a fully integrated kitty household! I never dreamed of such a possibility but that would be so fantastic. I've been keeping a close eye on Oliver and he's been very well behaved. While Oliver's been hanging out in our bedroom, I heard Pierre come out of his crate and explore his bedroom - he even meowed a bit. Of course none of the other cats have met Pierre yet, but I don't anticipate that being a problem, Pierre is pretty easy going with other cats.

More exploring and settling in to come in the days ahead!

I'm amazed by how everything has gone so far. As a person prone to worry, my biggest fear about moving was how the cats would do. I had a ton of fear about them being freaked out but that never happened. Rose was scared, but she's always scared, even in our house, if she saw you looking at her, she would cower. Everything so far has worked out so much better than I could have ever imaged. We felt invited by God to love on my parents who live nearby in New Hampshire, and with so much uncertainty about the process and destination, it was a big leap of faith to move into the unknown. So far it's been one blessing after another - I'm feeling very grateful!

letting go

March 26, 2017

Thank you everyone who commented and/or sent a note about Willow. I plan to write a tribute to her when I'm ready. Right now the wound remains too fresh and intense. The grief feels overwhelmingly heavy.

March 25, 2017

There is much going on for us right now. We have been trying to move from Washington State to Vermont for nearly a year now and many obstacles and challenges have gotten in the way. We had a private buyer lined up to buy the house, but that fell through. Then Laura had a great job lined up, but that fell through. That left us both unemployed and thus unable to get another mortgage in Vermont. I pursued all sorts of options for rentals, but wasn't able to find anyone willing to rent to a couple with abundant cats.

I was terrified at the prospect of selling our house without another place to land, thus I resisted listing it until a viable option in Vermont presented itself. With no such options surfacing and savings accounts bleeding out, it became clear that the only way we are going to move is if we completely let go and trust. So, we did the terrifying thing - we listed the house. In fact, the house hit the market an hour or so before Willow died on Tuesday the 9th. That fact made an overwhelmingly tragic time all the more overwhelming.

photo courtesy of Laura

The housing market in our area is insane. Shortly after the house listing went live, the phone started to ring - a realtor wanted to come show it to their clients. Our realtor is a cat lover himself, so he understood and explained to the interested parties that we needed that night to grieve, showings would commence the following day. 24-hours after the listing went live, we had two amazing offers that were well over the listing price.

Blog followers know that I've done a ton of projects on the house over the years that make the house more cat friendly. My prayer had been that the new owners would appreciate all the custom cat modifications and their kitties would enjoy them too. And wouldn't you know it, both parties who made those first two offers are cat lovers too! That makes me super happy!

I love that Theo and Nahum both made it into the official listing photos!

Theo loves his front porch!

Nahum parked at top of stairs

We accepted an offer and the closing process is underway. If all goes as planned, we will be out by mid-February. Less than a month away. Yikes.

Many significant details remain unclear, such as where we will live once we leave here, how we will get there with all the cats, how our stuff will get there, etc. We are people of deep faith, so even though it's terrifying, I do believe God has a plan and will reveal the details when the timing is right. In my work at Onsite over the past year, I've been privileged to witness God work miracles in people's lives nearly everyday (including my own life), so I've been reminding myself of that truth when my fears start to get the best of me. Meanwhile, Laura has a second interview on Tuesday for what would be an awesome job, and I have second interview in early Feb. We will be making a house hunting trip to Vermont in early February and hopefully we can find the perfect place for us and all the cats.

It's been a huge challenge trying to grieve while also doing everything that is required to sell the house and I've been away at Onsite in Tennessee a bunch trying to earn a little income. Willow's unexpected death in the midst of all this other crazy has really thrown a heavy wet blanket over the intensely stressful season. With a very heavy heart, I'm doing everything I can to hold tight to my faith and courage while taking the next step into the unknown. Breathe...

Onsite, Cumberland Furnace, TN - Jan 16, 2018

trust the process

The older I get the more I realize how much I built my life around having a sense of control. And I see more and more how control is really an illusion. The sense of having control provides me a feeling of power, a sense of safety, protection, but it's really quite limited.

I notice my desire to control most frequently with the cats. I can do everything in the world to protect them and yet they will still get sick and have problems. Maybe my attempts at control can provide some reduction in risk, but as much as I might like, I can't eliminate the risk.

The outdoor cats are just that, outdoor cats. Taking care of them quickly reveals the limits of my ability to keep them safe. Getting emotionally attached to feral cats is a setup for emotional pain, I can only do what I can do. Cats will be cats. Of course Oliver and Pierre are not really feral anymore and the ideal thing would be to bring them inside, but Oliver's territorial urine marking makes that unrealistic. Thankfully, they are both very clever and stick close to home, but that doesn't stop me from worrying! I worry and worry about those boys, especially when Oliver stays out all night or I'm traveling away from home.

A huge theme in all areas of my life over the past few years has been "trust the process". Willingness to let go of what I can't control and even some of what I can and lean deep into the fear - and trust. Trust Oliver. Trust my ability to grieve and get through an undesired outcome. Trust my community. Trust that joy will re-emerge after the tide of pain subsides. Trust my gifts and abilities. Trust God's love is enough to get me through whatever comes. It's been scary, very scary in fact, and it has been more rewarding, freeing, and life-giving than I ever could have imagined. Leaving behind the safe and familiar cage of fear and stepping out into the spontaneous, creative, freeing aspects of life, which at times still feels like stepping toward crazy. Over time I've noticed my emotional resilience building. I've noticed my courage and self-confidence growing. And I've noticed that I'm getting invited into bigger and bigger challenges.

One such really big challenge is on the horizon, one that has many unknowns, many factors that are out of reach of my ability to control. The invitation has been offered and I've accepted. This particular challenge will be very disruptive to our lives and especially the cats.

I'm scared.

And I'm in - all in...

(to be continued)

blessings of the journey

I was recently convicted that I'm being really selfish. I've been hogging all the kitty loves for myself and sharing none with you! How rude! I hope to change that, starting now.  Need to get back on the blogging bandwagon, I do.

 

Life here is good. Cats are good and kitty loves are top notch! I'm still taking hundreds of photos, just not sharing them. Can you believe that?! So many kitty blessings, and I'm not sharing.  Yikes. Meanwhile life keeps on trucking along. It hit me recently that many of the cats are about 9 years old already - where does the time go?! This train needs to slow down.

 

Rose is even thinking about letting the humans get closer!

 

A few weeks back Rose, Willow, Nahum, and Theo all went to the vet for their annual check-ups (everyone is healthy!) The plan was to release Rose into a large cage, so we could easily handle her and convince her that time with humans was pleasurable. But she was having nothing to do with that plan and promptly escaped before she could be locked in! Rose!

empty Rose rehabilitation cage in background

I'm trying to live more into life outside of work and cats (both of which I love). The other day I had some time, so I took a walk in the woods. I had the forest to myself.

 

I was walking kind of swiftly, thinking about stuff, my feet moving about the speed of my thoughts and internal energy. I had recently heard that the bears were waking up - "I don't want to encounter a bear out here by myself," I thought to myself. As I briskly strolled along, I heard a still quiet voice in my head encouraging me to slow down. I had ample time, so I slowed it way down - like crazy meandering snail-slow. I started noticing things.

 

interesting things

beautiful things

my path is not always clear

I saw birds, watched a beaver splash around in a pond, saw worms, snails, and all sorts of bugs doing their things.  Fresh deer tracks in the mud. Sounds of birds and bugs in the air. As I breathed in the details around me, I found my thoughts and emotional energy matching my slow meandering pace. I found myself wanting to see a bear, somehow now, that would be a gift.

choices

My intended destination was Devil's Butte, which according to the map, would have a view.

unimpressive Devil's Butte view

As I contemplated the lack of view, I realized this place is well named. The devil doesn't actually have much a view.  The payoff of this walk was not the destination, it was the journey - a journey filled with many blessings.

gather around the water cooler

It's been a week...

Thank you everyone for your kind words and continued prayers for my friend, Sarah. Each are greatly appreciated! The surgery on Monday went well, however, it only yielded more questions, no answers.  The pathology results are supposed to come in today, and hopefully they will provide some needed answers.

Marvin went to the vet this week for a check-up on the status of his kidneys. The results were not good, showing high levels for both BUN and Creatinine. The results might be a little skewed right now due to some very loose stools (thanks to a bacteria that hopefully is dying a painful death from the metronidazole). Vet recommended upping the level of care to include fluids or expensive supplements.

With all that is going on right now, I'm at emotional overwhelm. The other day, a few hours after doing a little therapy with my friends Ben & Jerry, I discovered I had returned the carton to the refrigerator, not the freezer. Sigh. Then yesterday, I bought my non-refundable plane tickets for my upcoming work trip to Tennessee only to discover I had bought them for the wrong day. Sigh.

Some good news, Oliver also went to the vet for his annual inspection. He was declared a pillar of health! He even lost weight from last year, a whole 1.5 pounds! (0.45kg) - Way to go Oliver! He purred non-stop through the entire experience.

And now for a few random pictures...

My search for a new local "happy place" took me to the North Fork Skykomish River, which is up in the mountains. Nice place, but a little far away and only accessible in the non-snowy months.

Last weekend, I took a walk to a nearby park to make some intentional space for grieving. I passed the empty horse show courts. I counted 16 lonely, sad courts, I wonder if these ever get any use?

I hope your weekend is all it needs to be. For me, I'll be up on the garage roof once again trying to patch the holes. The recent rain revealed many more leaks. Oh joy.