fortification

Summer is nearly in the rear view mirror. Such a beautiful summer here, warm and dry. I think I heard no measurable rain for over 60 days. It'll be here soon enough.

We are still working on moving, which means lots of house projects to get the house ready to sell. I did a bunch of them this weekend, including adding earthquake straps to the water heater, so if there's an earthquake, it won't fall over. Drilling into the concrete foundation to place anchor bolts was not fun!

The realtor gave us a list of things that need to be done so a potential buyer could get a loan. Apparently, in this area, banks won't write a loan if the hot water tank is not secured to the wall. The crazy thing is, if there is an earthquake here, the house won't be standing (house is not attached to the piers it sits on) - but the hot water heater will be standing! Anyway, glad to have that project over with.

I've been training Theo on how to assume the Buddy tummy rub position. It took him a few times to remember how the legs go for maximum tummy rubs, but I think he's got it now!

8:52am

2:12pm

Speaking of Buddy, we recently marked a year since his crossing to the rainbow bridge. Still miss that guy, quite a bit.

classic Buddy!

There has been a lot of fort-action here lately. The blanket fort is always a winner. Pretty simple, just drape a blanket between the couch cushions and the cats do the rest.

 

 There's a Rose in this fort!

Willow's been known to sleep through the coming and going of the evil suck monster when she's safe and secure in a blanket fort! What's the point of having a fort if it ain't gonna keep you safe?!

Hmmm... this fort is getting a lot of attention, I wonder who's in there...

It's Oliver!!!!!

Oliver LOVES inside kitty forts - he loves most anything related to being inside kitty.

Some have asked if Oliver and Pierre are coming with us when we move - they most certainly are! We're not leaving any of our family behind. No cats left behind!

the gift of grief

It's been almost three weeks now since Buddy crossed over the bridge. Among the many seasons of life I'm in, grieving is one of them. I want to share a little about my grieving process this time around.

Coming home without Buddy was really hard. The energy in the house felt off, it's crazy how much quieter it was. The absence of his presence was deafening. As the days went on, the grief-pain began to increase. All the little things I've come to expect are no more. Buddy was the most vocal of our cats, he talked all the time. First thing in the morning, he greeted me with a loud MEOW! Every time I came home, MEOW! Whenever I sat down, he would immediately sprawl out on me. He wrestled me for every bite of mac n' cheese. Everything is different without him.

Eating the same mac and cheese without Buddy stirs pain of his absence. That pain feels like a gift, like a testament to the joy of his being. I am learning to welcome the grief-pain, to lean into it with gratitude.

The grief-pain is real and at times pretty intense. But this time my experience of the grief is so much different than any of my previous experiences. For the first time in my life, the grief-pain is not completely overwhelming me. In the past, reading about cat-blogosphere friends crossing the bridge would overwhelm me. When Max died in 2009, it was incredibly traumatic and I couldn't work for weeks. Suicidal thoughts even came in, it was really scary. Since then I lived in constant fear of having to go through that all again.

The day after Buddy crossed the bridge, I stopped by the house for lunch, and
Nahum hopped on my lap for some fluffy purr therapy - just what my ouchy heart needed!

Over this past year, I've done a ton of intense therapy work. (A little history: I experienced pretty significant pet-loss trauma as a child, which basically kept me in a perpetual state of hypervigilance as I anticipated the next death - my fear was rampant and overwhelming, can you say PTSD?!) A bunch of my therapy work involved working through that trauma.

I'm now getting to enjoy the fruit of having done all this trauma work, for the first time in my life, I can actually experience the sadness and grief pain without crazy anxiety and fear overwhelming me. Which means, I can stay in the moment and feel just the grief of Buddy's death without the past and future rushing in. This season of grief feels clean and for that I'm super grateful. This doesn't mean the grieving is easy or pleasant by any means, I still feel the hole in my heart and the sobbing still overtakes me at times.

When I picked up Buddy's ashes at the vet last week, I felt like the reality of him being gone really sank in. As I carried his ashes back, tears streamed down my face. When I got home, I sat with his box of ashes in my arms and I sobbed. The beautiful cat I knew as Buddy would not be coming home again.

  In this season of grief there is much I'm grateful for.

• Your kind messages, comments and cards are beautiful and have been like soothing balm for my ouchy heart. It really helps to know I'm not alone. The weight of grief is heavy and intense, sharing it in community makes it more bearable. I'm deeply grateful for all of you and your outpouring of love.
• My amazing, kind veterinarians and their staff that somehow are always available. I love that they bring their humanity as well as their medical skills and knowledge to their work. What a gift.
• Onsite and all the amazing healing that I've experienced through their intensive therapy programs.
• Buddy - his love was the real deal, just as mine is. The grief wouldn't be here if there wasn't such delightful love. The delight of our relationship was so worth the grief-pain I feel now.
• The love and joy of Willow, Nahum, Theo, Rose, Marvin, Oliver, and Pierre!
• God's love never seems to stop, even in the deep pain. Crazy.

 
The other cats are stepping up to fill in the now vacant roles Buddy filled.

Theo and Nahum have volunteered to have a go on the mac and cheese bowl. 

 

Nahum's started a rigorous cuddle-training program.

 

He's also taken to sharing my meals with me.

 

Every morning, Theo has been my new morning cuddle and prayer-buddy.

 

Willow's offering extra cuddles.

 

And Oliver is even stepping up and generously offering extra tummy rubs.

My grief is held in a beautiful container made of gratitude and love. My heart is grateful.

remembering Buddy

1999 - August 22, 2016

June 15, 2011

Buddy came home to live with us in June 2011. He was 12 years old and had been surrendered to a cat shelter after his aging human was no longer able to take care of him. We visited the shelter that day with no intention of taking home a cat, we only wanted to check out their new location. We thought we might just pop into one of the cat colony rooms to "visit" with the cats! And then this happened...

June 15, 2011

And this...

June 15, 2011

Not one for making rash decisions, we had to think on this. So, we went to grab some dinner and then came back for another visit, this time in a private room.

June 15, 2011

June 15, 2011

Well, next thing you know we had a bundle of joy riding home with us!

June 15, 2011

Buddy settled right in at his new home.

June 15, 2011

June 16, 2011

June 29, 2011

July 10, 2011

Oct 1, 2011

Dec 7, 2011

Buddy came to us knowing how to competently navigate the world. Nothing seemed to phase him or be too much for him to master. Not even the evil suck monster scared him, in fact he seemed to enjoy that it scared all the other cats, so he got to be an only cat for a time! Cat doors, yep, no problem, no hesitation, like he's done this a million times.

Jan 17, 2012

Buddy was a master snuggler. His favorite thing above all was having his tummy rubbed. I could rub his tummy for hours and both of us would be quite happy!

Jan 19, 2012

Jan 28, 2012

Buddy never really cared much for Oliver. He would get all worked up every time Oliver made his presence known, but over time, Buddy came to just ignore him.

Feb 18, 2012

Buddy was such a junk food kitty! We tried all sorts of expensive wet foods but he refused any of them. It was only Friskies or Fancy Feast for this junk food kitty!

Feb 25, 2012

One of Buddy's favorite places to hang out was on the stove, guaranteed to be warm.

Apr 8, 2012

Buddy didn't play much with the other cats, the exception was Nahum. He enjoyed a good tussle with Nahum, who was always extra gentle with him. I was happy to see them tussle a few days before we let him go, it was a moment of him feeling good.

Apr 11, 2012

May 18, 2012

 Buddy worshiped the sun! Nothing better than napping in the sun!

May 19, 2012

 He also had a thing for the nip.

May 21, 2012

Jul 27, 2012

Jan 17, 2014

May 2, 2014

Jun 14, 2014

Being a senior when he got him, Buddy always had arthritis in his back legs. As a result, he knew not to try any crazy jumping. All year around, he always had access to three heated spots - the top of the stove, which was first come first serve. It's a popular place and frequently occupied by some kitty. He also had a small heating pad in the rocking chair. Amazingly, this spot was only for him, none of the other kitties ever took a turn, somehow they knew this spot always needed to be available for the Budster.

Nov 14, 2014

 The third heated spot was a heating pad on the trunk, again a first come, first serve spot.

Dec 9, 2014

Being a senior, he got special privileges. (Who can argue with an old man?!) He liked to keep me company as I ate lunch. Whenever I ate a frozen Amy's Mac & Cheese, he would go crazy for the cheese sauce. He always got to lick the bowl clean after I was done! Sometimes he had a hard time waiting until I was done and would get a head start!

Jul 29, 2015

Buddy's cuddle-style was to melt into me and purr, purr, purr. Max, my first cat, knew how to become a purring pile of kitty putty too. Buddy also came knowing this amazing skill.

Sep 26, 2015

As Buddy aged, his kidneys began failing. Not long after, his thyroid started to go. And then more recently his heart. Being a skinny senior and a finicky eater, I was always concerned about him getting enough to eat. He exploited my worry by demanding to be fed whenever he wanted. Being his dutiful staff, I always obliged. It was not uncommon for him to get five or six feedings a night!

Jan 7, 2016

Certainly the thing I'll remember most about the Budster is the non-stop tummy rubs. As soon as I sat down, he came right over, climbed in my lap and assumed the position. He did this at our very first meeting at the shelter and every day we enjoyed together. Even on his last day, he climbed in my lap for a few tummy rubs.

Mar 27, 2016

Buddy was a delightful gift. He brought me much joy and delight and I know he loved being here. He was my constant companion and as such, not having him here creates quite the void in my heart. It's quieter and so much more lonely here without my cuddle-Buddy.

Jul 28, 2016

I love you my Buddy. Run free now in your young, healthy body. My dear friend Sarah will take good care of you and will give you as many tummy rubs as you want. Say hello to Max and Lassie and I look forward to seeing you again. Thank you for bringing me such joy and delight for these past five years. I will always love you my precious Tummy Rub Monster.