I received this in an email several years ago from an old friend in Vermont and it still makes me laugh every time I think of it.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed some sort of hard, dry nuggets. Although
I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing
that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
Day 984 of my captivity. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
vomit on the carpet.
Day 985 of my captivity. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its
headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good
little hunter' I am. Fools!
Day 986 of my captivity. There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 987 of my captivity. Today I was almost successful in an attempt
to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he
was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the
stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously
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