Wednesday, July 4, 2012

holiday malaise

I've been slacking on the blogging lately. I'm trying to spend more time playing with the cats, which means less time on the computer. The intentional play is partly for their benefit, they love it and haven't been getting nearly enough of it lately. It's also therapy for my depression and anxiety, which only seem to escalate each day. I'll warn you, this post is a bit of a downer - I won't fault you for just looking at the pretty pictures of Theo and moving along.

It's the Fourth of July eve here in the States and I'm not feeling very celebratory. In fact, I'm feeling more grumpy and discontent than anything. Many things contribute to my surly state of mind, foremost are the fireworks being set off around my neighborhood at this moment. I'm worried about how Oliver and his Family will endure being terrified by all the bangs and booms. Before saying goodnight to Oliver, I encouraged him to stay on the back porch these next few nights. I also told him to invite all his friends and family to stay with him and I'd put out extra food. I hope they all take me up on the offer.

The noise will only be worse tomorrow, the night of the actual holiday. I've never been much for fireworks - they seem like a real waste of money to me, but to each their own. Fireworks are actually illegal in this city and yet no one seems to care about that little law. Anyway, I just wish there was a way to keep my beloved ferals safe and relaxed.

At this late hour, I'm also very worried about my mom. She's had a history of heart problems, having suffered a cardiac arrest a number of years ago. I'm thankful for the medical professionals who restarted her heart and gave her extra innings. Lately, she has been suffering from near constant Atrial Fibrillation (a-fib) which is really working her over. She is scheduled to have a procedure next week that will hopefully heal her condition, however there are significant risks with her age and previous heart troubles. Next week, I will be flying back East to spend most of the week with her. Prayers and purrs for her healing as well as for serenity for me and my family would be greatly appreciated.

The Fourth of July in the USA is suppose to be a big patriotic time filled with flag waving and gratuitous nationalism. But frankly, the direction this country is going in fills me grave concern. I grieve for this nation and those that are hurt by our never ending capitalistic-centered greed. Sadly, every year, regardless of the political party in office, things only seem to worsen. I'm sure part of my depression and hopelessness stems from being very displeased with the status-quo and yet not having any faith that any politician gives a damn about anything other than their self and their special interest buddies.

Since returning from vacation work has been exceptionally challenging. I've only been back for a little over three weeks and I'm already feeling burned out. I often wrestle with questions about other possible career options or adjustments I can make to my situation to increase my satisfaction and serenity. In the end I'm usually left with more discontentment and angst than anything else.

Even with all my anxiety and hopelessness, I still take intentional time each day to access gratitude for my amazing wife, my wonderful cats, our home, and our health. On this Fourth of July, I'm also especially grateful for all those around the world who work for Peace - blessed are the peacemakers.


  1. You are having a tough time my friend. In my prayers.
    Jane xxx

  2. Loud purrs to you, Phil, and to your mom too, as well as the ferals, for their safety and well-being re: the fireworks.

    BTW, IMO, no politician, even if they got into the "business" for the "right" reasons, ends up caring about anything but their own interests. I don't care what country one is in, it's all the same. Cynical, perhaps, but how anyone can believe a word out of any politician's mouth is beyond me.

    Maybe turn off the news for a while? I go in cycles where I watch/read a lot of news, then I reach my limit. The media love to feed us negative stories and viewpoints, it's all a ratings game. And it seems the more depressing or horrific the story, the more gleefully it's reported on. Sometimes you need to step back from that, acknowledge that you actually control very little.

    You know the happiest person I've ever met? My hair stylist. She doesn't watch/read/listen to the news. Ever.

    I think that if we're able to do something about a provincial/state, national or global issue, great. If there's nothing we can do or are able to do, then we need to let it go. Just my $0.02. Suffering abounds, on so many levels, and sometimes we (or at least I) get pulled under, till I'm almost drowning in it. That's a sure sign to step away.

    Sending universal Light and hugs....As someone who's well-acquainted with depression herself, I realize no words will help. But I'm sending healing, loving vibes anyway.

  3. I used to lament about the state of world until I got into some history that told me that we aren't any more screwed up now then we have been in the past. It is just much more transparent now when it is exposed.

    I found a book that helped me so I'm going to mention it so you can see if it might be something you might be interested in. it is the mood cure by julia ross. such interesting theories in it and lots of clinical backing behind them.

  4. We agree with fuzzy tails - mom doesn't watch the news....isn't worth it. It helps around here to have kittens that are great stress relief. We have to agree about the fireworks too - we worry about Allie the momma cat. And Tim spent a decent amount of time under the covers last night and is sure to be in the same place tonight as well.

    Sometimes taking a break and taking a breath helps it all. Purrs to you and your mom.

  5. It is so hard sometimes to be positive but I keep trying. I hate fireworks also and we don't have many in this neighborhood of mostly 'older' folks. I know the worry of a Mom with heart issues and I am keeping her and you in my prayers. Hang in there, we all need to lift each other up to continue to survive this hard time in our countries history! hugs, Linda

  6. Our first celebration of the Fourth is to go over to a neighbor's house to meet her new kittens, Sophie and Skeeter. I understand your feelings about fireworks and cats - they just don't go together.
    The news IS depressing, and doesn't show signs of getting better. I hate the polarization happening in our country - we used to be able to have civil conversations with each other. In times of gloom, I think cats are the best medicine. Nice pix of Theo.
    Sending purrs and prayers for you and your mom.

  7. The news are depressing all over the world. I think the media are doing it on purpose, to keep us discontent. You are not alone in feeling down - it's gone viral. I have been overwhelmed with our politicians, the job, the relationships at work and what really relaxes me it is time with the kitties. We all have our ways to escape the world, and there's nothing that can beat playing with cats and cuddling with them. I hope your Mum will be fine during and after the surgery.

  8. I also agree with many of the comments. I fully believe that the "news" is being put out there to make us feel more separate than together as a nation. If anyone is familiar with the founding principles of our Country and agree with them, then this angst we are being put through is painfully awful.
    I do believe too that there are people who do have a nobler cause but the way the political progress has gone 24/7 and every foible is reported as deceit and disgust is ridiculous.
    When I think of what today means it saddens me to no end to see what we've been reduced to.
    Let's hope for change, real change, change that will bring us more together than further apart.

    Sending great prayers to you and especially to your Mom.


  9. I agree about the news...I read Google news and then only the Science and Tech sections. I wish I could give some politicians a spanking, they need it.
    As a fellow depressive, all I can say is hang in there, and do what makes you happy. My husband suffered in a bad job situation for 17 years, and one day came home and said he just couldn't do it anymore, his boss was going to drive him into an early grave. I said "Quit". He did, and it was really scary for a while but in the end, it was the best thing for us, ever. We moved, he lost 150 pounds, and we are happy. I look for all the little moments and try to appreciate them. You do this with the ferals and I'll have them in my thoughts and pray for them to keep safe tonight.

  10. We agree with most of the comments too. Sorry you guys are having a bit of a hard time, our thoughts are with you. Purrs and hugs xo

  11. I emailed you before I caught up reading blogs! I would have held off a bit. I would describe my experience as a lightning strike out of the blue. My cats inside survived the 4th bombardment where fireworks legal. The house rocked some were so big. Ceased at 3 AM. Good luck with your mother--hope all goes well. I have a good feeling about it.
    PS America is not the 500 incompetent yahoos in DC ripping us all off, it is all of us living our lives with quiet dignity across the entire land.

  12. I'm just catching up on blogs today. I'm sorry to hear about your many troubles. I think when our loved ones are not well it is like having the rug pulled out from under us. It affects everything. I hate the fireworks, too because our poor dog is so afraid of the noise he hides in the house. It's such a waste, I know. I'm so glad you have a wonderful wife. That's the real deal, you know, when it comes to life's gifts. Hugs

  13. I will tell you I share many of your thoughts and conclusions. You are no where near alone. And prayers for your mom..we has them. From now till you tell us she is better.


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