Did you know there are several different types of being stuck?
First there's being Theo-stuck, which involves being unable to engage in basic tasks due to having a sleeping Theo in one's lap. Theo-stuck is generally a pleasurable state of inconvenience. This condition can be fairly easily resolved if something halfway pressing comes along. Experts agree, Theo lap snuggles are certainly enjoyable, but they are also rather common. Studies have shown that it often take less than thirty minutes after initial displacement to resume a second round of Theo lap snuggles.
Examples of Theo-stuck include; needing to wait to refresh a beverage or being unable to answer the phone which would require getting up to find the phone. Needing to empty one's bladder or meet the pizza man at the door are very justifiable reasons for initiating an unnatural Theo displacement procedure and thus releasing oneself from a state of Theo-stuck.
Now Willow-stuck is a very different and serious matter. Since Willow rarely settles on one's lap, when she does, one can expect to be stuck for a long period of time. When anticipating receiving Willow lap snuggles it is best to prepare oneself, thus reducing the possibility of extended discomfort and embarrassment. It is advised that one limit the number of liquids consumed for at least three hours in advance and to consume enough food to sustain a potentially long duration. Research has shown that those subject to frequent leg and gluteus maximus cramp are ill-advised to engage in Willow lap snuggles.
Duration of Willow lap snuggles is extremely variable and thus difficult to predict. Unnatural Willow displacement can only occur in extreme situations, such as when the safety of the family is in danger, (e.g. structure fire, robbery, etc.)
Due to the potentially perilous nature of this level of being stuck, it is advised that one not risk entering a state of Willow-stuck without others being present. For the well being of the afflicted, it is essential that other household members graciously agree to aid the person experiencing the condition in their times of need. Without grievance, unstuck members of the household are expected to retrieve desired items, provide nutritious sustenance, complete all other necessary tasks including the swapping out of DVD's for the stuck person.
Thankfully, experts have now devised an acceptable liberation procedure which necessitates artificially inducing a premature natural Willow displacement. The procedure involves the unstuck person fetching a container of freeze dried salmon treats. In exchange for a healthy serving of treats, Willow will agree to unstuck the person.
It may be difficult to believe, but this condition was even more extreme than Willow-stuck. There were two common sub-types of this condition, the upside-down-Max-stuck and the kitty-putty-Max-stuck. The physical attributes of each sub-type were unique, however, both sub-types provided the same level of intense super-stuckness.
This condition has not been reported in the wild now for well over a year. Even with the serious nature of this condition, people today continue to reminisce about their prior experiences of being Max-stuck. It appears this level of stuckness has taken on legend status and will not soon be forgotten.
There are rumors of other similar conditions, Rose-stuck and Nahum-stuck, but currently there is not enough research to unequivocally prove these conditions exist in the wild. If this changes, updates will follow.
Readers are urges to use this knowledge wisely so as to ensure safe and enjoyable kitty lap snuggles for everyone. Be aware that distinct variations of stuckness will occur in other locations and readers are responsible for discerning the particular level of stuckness that their own cats may assert over them.
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